Is Perfectionism Holding You Back?

To paraphrase Voltaire, perfect is the enemy of good.

Photo by Mel Lituañas on Unsplash

Does this sound familiar? You constantly struggle with healthy eating and regular exercise in midlife. Perhaps you had similar difficulties prior to perimenopause, and it’s become even more challenging.  Or maybe menopause has caused you to rethink your choices because you’ve gained weight, your cholesterol has increased, or you want to protect your bone health.

Chances are, you have a long list of eating and exercise goals.  While that’s OK, I’m all for aiming low and going slow. Here’s why.

Expecting Less Helps You Do More

Midlife is a time of tremendous change and women may be juggling career transitions, changing relationships, caring for children, elderly parents, or both, and much more. Topsy turvy hormonal levels, hot flashes, and poor sleep don’t help matters any. Neither does setting excessively high standards for yourself when it comes to your food and exercise choices.

As a dietitian with more than 30 years’ experience, I take the long view on lifestyle changes, favoring a steady approach that you can live with forever. Of course, that’s easier said than done, thanks in large part to images of toned women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s who claim to have changed their habits in midlife to “regain” their younger bodies.

Many celebrities and influencers sell the idea that if you just ate a certain way, lifted heavy weights and pushed yourself to the limit, you too could have a body like theirs. Problem is, plans for menopausal women tend to be highly restrictive and perfectionistic. It’s easy to get sucked in, especially when you think that extreme eating and exercise is your only shot. Yet, once you veer from a diet that’s very low in calories, low in carbohydrates, or demands you eat at only certain times of the day, you can feel like a failure and convince yourself that you can’t change.

Extreme thinking about food and exercise can stall your progress by making simple tasks seem intimidating. As a result, you get stuck and never make a move. For example, obsessing about minor details like what’s the best fruit to eat and what time of day is optimal to consume protein is largely pointless. It’s far more important to eat any type of fruit and include adequate amounts of protein over the course of the day than to make no improvements at all in your diet. Feeling stressed about maintaining a “perfect” exercise routine or criticizing yourself for not working out hard enough to make a difference is another example of how perfectionistic thinking can thwart your best intentions.

Stop Punishing Yourself

It's understandable when midlife women often adopt an all-or-nothing attitude. After all, we’ve grown up thinking that perfectionism is the only way to achieve our goals. If we’re not all-in, we’re not in at all. In addition, limiting food intake and exercising excessively is how some women try to gain control at midlife when so much is changing in their bodies and their lives.

That said, we need to stop punishing ourselves for our midlife, menopausal bodies. Perfectionism is dangerous for your physical and mental health. It’s a risk factor for orthorexia, which is an inflexible way of eating in pursuit of the “perfect” diet. Orthorexia may also include exercising to burn off the food you eat. If you feel like your thought process is going in this direction, please get help from a therapist or a registered dietitian nutritionist (RDN) who specializes in disordered eating.

The all-or-nothing approach to eating and exercising makes it difficult to acknowledge what you accomplished because the focus is on what you didn’t do. For example, you skipped a difficult hour-long aerobics class but you don’t think the 20-minute brisk walk you took instead counts as exercise.  That’s not true, of course! All movement contributes to better health.

Focus on the Big Picture

Eating patterns matter the most. It’s not what you do at any single meal or snack, on a long weekend, or during vacation that truly matters in the long run. When you follow a balanced eating plan most of the time, there’s no reason to throw in the towel for dietary “transgressions” because they don’t exist. There are no guilty pleasures or cheat days, either. Food is just food and eating is not cheating. You’ll never have to call off your efforts to eat better or exercise regularly, and you’ll avoid a cycle of shame that can drain your self-esteem.

There’s no single ideal way of eating during the menopause transition or afterwards (or before, for that matter!). An enjoyable, balanced diet can take many forms, although there are some general principles that help midlife women feel their best and help reduce the risk for chronic conditions that increase with menopause and age. Eating plans that are rich in fiber, have adequate protein, and are low in saturated fat are most desirable.

As for exercise, you don’t have to work out like a beast in the gym to get results, but if you want to live longer and better, you do need to move on a regular basis. Experts suggest 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise, but if you haven’t exercised in a while, work up to that amount with three 10-minute walks on most days of the week, which may be easier to do and something you’re more likely to maintain in the long run.  If you prefer to measure your activity in steps, you’d need upwards of 8,000 per day to satisfy the suggested 150 minutes of movement per week.

Resistance training is also important to keep you strong and protect your muscle and bone mass as you age. It’s recommended that you use your own body weight, bands, free weights or weight machines to work all the muscle groups twice a week.  Start slowly and gradually challenge yourself to use more weight. You don’t have to lift heavy weights to get results.

Calm Your Inner Critic

Eating and exercise routines should be based on self-care, not penance. Perfectionism creates a steady stream of negative emotions that drain your energy, including fear, frustration, and disappointment. Who needs that at this stage of life?

Every woman is on her own path and it can be frustrating to think that you’re not as far along as you would like. Your health isn’t a competition with internet influencers. You’re not weak or lazy because you enjoy a cocktail, chips and dip, or ice cream. If you always feel like skipping your workouts, you could be trying to do too much, or you may be doing something you don’t enjoy. When you’re too tired or time-strapped to exercise, do half as much. Doing a little bit of something is better than doing a whole lot of nothing.

If you need guidance about nutritious food choices and incorporating enjoyable movement into your life, check out The Menopause Diet Plan, A Natural Guide to Managing Hormones, Health, and Happiness. I wrote it with my friend and fellow dietitian, Hillary Wright, MEd, RDN.